Monday, January 30, 2017

To Nowhere

From some nightmares I’m not waking with a start, heavy breathing in the dark, without any orientation. Seeing monsters in any shadow, and pulling my knees to the chin, hiding under the blanket again and winking carefully out when the tap drops.

Sometimes I open my eyes, for no reason, and in the first moment I don’t really know why I awoke. I’m pulling my blanket narrower around me, maybe. But a few flashes later the volatile pictures are coming back, and they show nothing bad. A past I want to change, a little twist here, a little wriggle there. An odd present and a talk that irons out the wrinkles, letting doubts disappear. A future which is lost, throwing a wrong picture.

A nightmare from which I wake up, but its bitter taste is in my mouth for the rest of the day. A whisper I’m turning to, but nobody’s behind me, not even near. No suspicious shadows are creeping around me, but still I’m hearing my nightmares whispering in volatile pictures.

“What is it that in one moment everything seems to be so complicated and the world is turning faster and faster, meanwhile it stands still in the next and everything appears incredibly easy?”

Instead of an answer he comes a step closer and takes my hand. I’m contemplating it lying in his hand and I think, they’re just perfect for each other. My pale fingers are like made for his rough hands. “I don’t know. Sometimes it seems neither here nor there how fast I’m running, I won’t be able to keep in step with this time, not with all these changes. And then I’m using all my energy for being patient, staying still, perservering until …and most of the time I don’t know what I’m waiting for. Why do I keep in step?”

Still staring in our intertwined hands I’m thinking about his words. Do I have to keep in step? This world will rushing without me, a carousel, but sometimes it will stop turning. Then it stands still, so still. I could wait for somebody coming and throwing money into it and it will turn again. But I also can throw this coin. Or I can hop out. Nobody restrains me from the one or the other.

“Maybe it will be simple when I’m simply doing it.” I’m looking up and smiling at him. “There are just these nights, always again these nights, full of nightmares and shadows, sometimes I’m waking with a start and then I’m just awaking. And I want it to stop finally. I want to get over this bitter taste in my mouth, you know? And I’m feeling how my smile becomes sad.

Very slowly he relinquishes my hand and for a moment I’m afraid he’d go. “Allow yourself to take time.” He has to hold a smile back, because he knows how ridiculous only the imagination is. “You can’t only be patient with other people, you need to be patient with yourself, too. This world is changing every day, if you want it or not. But your life will only change if you want it to change. If you don’t like to, don’t keep in step. And if you want to run, run. No matter where. Somewhere you’ll arrive.”

“You’ve changed me forever.
And I’ll never forget you.”

Take my hand and run with me through the streaming rain, dance with me in the puddles, let our shoes soak with cold water together and throw the head laughing in the neck when the thunder rumbles. Always your hand in mine, always me beside you. Let us run through the rain without looking for a hideout, let us play tag and trying handstands, let us live under the grey sky with sopping wet hair on the head and smudged mascara.

Let us notice the people shaking the head if they hurry next to you under their umbrellas, waiting for green on traffic lights mirroring on wet streets, rushing from one roof under the other. Let us laugh loudly, when they frown and pull their hood deeper in the face, hold the jacket tighter, let us jump in the puddles they avoid.

And then stop. Stand still and hold me in your arm, and we’re listening to the drops from the sky getting slowly darker, changing from grey to black. Listen to where the rain drops, asphalt, tree crowns, roofs, window glass, umbrellas, hoods, us. I close my eyes and bury my face on your neck, and tell me everything will be good and it never ever will stop raining. We’ll dance in these puddles forever and you’ll never relinquish my hand when we run through the rain to listen to the thunder.

Kiss me and let the sky never turn blue, let the grey clouds hang over us, I’d rather like them than those looking like sheeps.

“Will you run with me to nowhere?”

He stucks for an answer. But it’s good. This night I’m falling asleep and I’m not waking with a start. And I don’t open my eyes.

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